Archive for humor

Turn 7 EA Retrospective: You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Posted in A Call to Arms, ACTA Campaign with tags , , , , , on January 18, 2009 by redcoat668

SCENE: The camera pans across a starfield lit by a beautiful purple nebula. A convoy of three freighters and a liner moves through space, with Starfuries accompanying. We hear the radio traffic of the convoy as the camera gradually focuses on a single ‘Fury with a point-down broadsword painted on top.

SHOT: Int. Cockpit and a PILOT

PILOT: So…I hear you and Jessica are quits.

2nd PILOT: (over radio) Yeah…we got the papers finalized Tuesday. She’s keeping the house, we’re splitting part time custody of the kids, and I got the dog.

The camera pulls back out and upward over the convoy.

PILOT: (over radio) Still…that’s something, right?

2nd PILOT: Not really…I hate that damn dog.

Several jump points open simultaneously, and two Takatas and many Brakiri fighters appear.

MUSIC OVER: Juno Reactor: Navras.

PILOT: Crap…two jump points and multiple targets. Brakiri ships, you have entered Earth Alliance space. Please state your –

The Brakiri fighters break into an attack run. One of the freighters is hit and begins spinning away from the convoy.

PILOT: All ships, all ships. Incoming Brakiri contacts are hostile. Break and attack. Break and attack.

The camera judders as if it’s been hit and then begins to spin lazily across the battlefield revealing the Earth and League ships engaged in a furious battle around the now burning convoy ships.

RADIO VOICE: (faintly) This is Earth Liner Weber to all Earth ships…we are under heavy attack…breaking up…in the name of God there are children on board…

The camera pulls back and we can see that the action is taking place on a conference room screen aboard Victoria Station. Admiral redcoat668 and his staff do not look happy. Also present are JULIE MUSANTE, Earth diplomat FREDERICK LANTZ, and a very sanguine looking BRAKIRI delegate.

redcoat668: (tapping his foot) Well?

BRAKIRI: Most tragic, Admiral. What a senseless waste.

redcoat668: Well at least you admit –

BRAKIRI: (cutting him off) All Brakiri marriages contain an embedded pre-nuptial agreement that is legally binding. That man would at least have gotten half the value of his house had he taken such precautions. 

redcoat668: Oh that’s IT!

LANTZ: (interrupting quickly) I have spoken at length to the ambassador, and he assures me that these were rogue fleet elements not acting on behalf of the Brakiri government or the League of Non-Aligned Worlds.

redcoat668: Rogue elements not bothering to remove their fleet markings or change their fleet encrypts.

BRAKIRI: That’s how they come off the showroom floor, Admiral. We’re not responsible for their use after the buyers sign the waivers.

He ostentatiously hands redcoat668 a stack of forms. LANTZ beams happily.

redcoat668: You’re like a race of evil used car salesmen, aren’t you.

MUSANTE kicks him.

LANTZ: In any case, this new treaty clearly defines our respective areas of influence in this sector, and should prevent any further incidents.

BRAKIRI: Excellent. Then I shall withdraw and inform my Emperor.

redcoat668: “Emperor”.

BRAKIRI: I’m sorry?

redcoat668: “Emperor”. You have to verbally add the quotation marks to evoke the level of respect he deserves.

BRAKIRI: Of course. Forgive me. (he leaves

LANTZ and MUSANTE are all smiles. redcoat668 and his staff confer.

CARRIERE: No offensive operations? After they killed all those people?

redcoat668: Nope. So we sit here. And wait for more ships. And take a window seat when those bastards and the Centauri start tearing each other to pieces after they finish with the Minbari and Narn.

CARRIERE: And then?

redcoat668: And then…someone has to pick up those pieces, don’t they? The question is simply when to start sweeping.

CARRIERE: Brilliant. Every race in the sector is at war and we’re the janitors.

KAER: You know you’ll never get authorization with Lantz here.

redcoat668: Point. Something’s got to be done about that guy.

YUN: There could be…an accident.

redcoat668: Something not obvious. Until then…I’ll just have to handle him with my trademark charm and tact.

YUN and CARRIERE exchange uneasy looks, but redcoat668 is already approaching LANTZ and MUSANTE.

redcoat668: (laying on the charm) You know, Mr. Lantz…I’ve been wondering since you arrived: are you related at all to Walter Lantz?

LANTZ: (surprised) Why…yes…in fact I am.

redcoat668 (genuinely equally surprised) Seriously? Woody Woodpecker Walter Lantz?

LANTZ: Actually, yes. You know I’m very surprised, Admiral. I don’t often run into people who know about that particular bit of 2oth Century historical arcana.

redcoat668 (with newfound reverence): Mr. Lantz…I insist that you have dinner with me.

SCENE: A restaurant aboard Victoria Station. redcoat668 and LANTZ are sitting at a table together with a large green neon sign reading BENNIGAN’S – OF EARTH behind them. redcoat668 is enthusiastically attacking a plate of wings while LANTZ picks gingerly at a salad. redcoat668 has clearly been talking at length, and LANTZ is not enjoying himself.

redcoat668: -and another thing…what about that poor walrus? He never could catch a break, could he?

LANTZ: (spearing a crouton) I suppose not.

redcoat668: You know…this is really enjoyable. Just think…we can have dinner together every night while you’re here and share our appreciation for your ancestor’s work!

LANTZ: Oh…well…you know, I actually have to leave for EarthDome tomorrow. Something…uh…suddenly came up.

redcoat668: But…but I thought you were staying here for at least a month after the treaty was ratified.

LANTZ: No…and I’m afraid my shuttle leaves early tomorrow and I must depart to pack. Thank you for dinner, Admiral. (he leaves as quickly as he can while still remaining dignified)

A WAITER approaches with a pitcher.

WAITER: Another drink, or just the check, sir?

redcoat668: (looking wistfully after LANTZ) Why is it that sometimes getting what you want is just as painful as not getting it?

WAITER: I don’t know, sir…I’m working to pay for a useless Art degree, not a useless Philosophy degree.

redcoat668: (holding out his glass) Top ‘er up, Caravaggio.

FADE OUT

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EA Turn 5-6 Retrospective: A Staff Meeting

Posted in A Call to Arms, A Call to Arms 1e, ACTA Campaign with tags , , , , on March 31, 2008 by redcoat668

SCENE: Conference room aboard the Orion-class station Victoria in orbit above Gustaviv’s Regret. Eight Earthforce officers are seated around an oval conference table set against a large picture window in which TF PEGASUS and its supply elements are framed holding station above the planet. Admiral redcoat668 activates a holotank which displays a rotating representation of the sector map.

redcoat668: All right, let’s hear it. (motions to his ADC)Petheridge?

PETHERIDGE: The last set of re-enforcements from Earth built us up to 12 ships of the line, plus capital-class support elements and full fighter complements. We’re officially back to where we were before Saguntum III and Caesar’s Folly.

General mutterings and unhappiness as this name is brought up.

redcoat668: I know…I know. That entire experience was pretty much crap, and it knocked us out of the game for about two months. Fortunately, while the rest of us were getting our butts lovingly spanked by the Centauri, General Yun’s exploration fleet was filling in our map of the sector. General?

YUN: We’ve added around eight new systems to the catalog, some of them with deposits of both germanium and Q-40. We’ve also established two jumpgates at Da’Valk and Tubanos. We’ve also got a bunch of random anomalies, ship graveyards and comets and whatnot.

PETHERIDGE: Commercial traffic is starting to flow through the gates and the Joint Chiefs sent us an entire battleship group to protect our new interests in the sector. May I introduce EAS Prospero, Morgana, and Maerlyn(the holotank image displays three Warlock-class destroyers)

EAS Prospero awaits sealer.

GENERAL CARRIERE: whistles. So they’re finally deploying the new Warlocks?

redcoat668: Just our “trial” battlegroup, and EAS Warlock herself which is staying in Earth orbit, firmly in the public eye while our three beauties undergo combat trials out here where nobody’s watching. I understand there’s some kind of stopgap “hybrid” ship program going on as well, but the President refuses to let those be deployed outside Alliance space.

general eye-rolling. GENERAL KAER suppresses the urge to make a wanking motion.

redcoat668: They’re just in time too, because our new Centauri “friends” are eager for us to begin joint offensive operations against the League.

KAER: And you told them that we’re not even close to being able to take on the League and their “Emperor,” and that even if we were we have a Presidential Order forbidding us from doing so, right?

redcoat668: I told them that we’d meet our treaty obligation to defend the Minbari, and that, gentlemen, is what I intend to do.

The holotank displays a map of the Minbari/League front:

The Minbar-League Front

redcoat668: We’re calling it Operation MARATHON. Essentially, we’re cutting down the Centauri front and repositioning to defend our new jumpgates and assist the Minbari before their crystal-waving and interpretive dance is erased from the sector by the Brakiri.

We’re going to concentrate at Moshelle, which, thanks to General Buechner is now squeaky clean and Raider-free. That way, we’ll be positioned to use either the Tubanos or Da’valk gate on the attack, and also to defend against nasty surprises coming out of either gate that the system defenses can’t handle.

CARRIERE: And if the Fanheads decide to break our agreement and roll up our systems?

redcoat668: I’m hoping that they’re going to be too occupied with the League to think about that for another couple of months. By then, hopefully, my request to the Joint Chiefs for additional fleets will have been answered.  We’ve got a sizable fleet at the treaty base in Caesar’s Folly, and Gustaviv’s Regret is only a jump away from Moshelle. Besides Emperor Cartagia and President Clark both have their signatures on that agreement, and we all know what that’s worth.

repressed snickers  

redcoat668: All right then…let’s get it done.

a scuffle is heard outside the room. suddenly the door bursts open and JULIE MUSANTE enters, followed by a sheepish-looking Earthforce marine with an SBS patch on his shoulder. 

MARINE: I’m sorry sir, she insisted on-

MUSANTE: (interrupting) Admiral this is the FOURTH time that you’ve held a staff meeting without informing me. Do I need to show you the Executive Order requiring a Political Officer to attend all such meetings yet again?

redcoat668: Hey now…let’s not get all crazy here. This isn’t actually a staff meeting…it’s more like an informal chat since I’ve got the privilege of having all my Task Force commanders in the same place for once. Look: we have donuts!

MUSANTE gives him a withering look and then stares significantly at the holotank which is still displaying the fleet deployments to Moshelle. The other officers try to look like they’re not paying attention.

MUSANTE: That had better be a defensive redeployment I’m looking at, Admiral.

redcoat668: Yes Ma’am, it is that thing.

MUSANTE: Good. Because I don’t want what happened before I arrived to happen again. You know…where you almost scuttled President Clark’s treaty with the Centauri…

YUN: (muttering) The one where we embarrassed ourselves by letting them pound the Narn back to the stone age with mass drivers?

MUSANTE: …with your completely unauthorized attack in Saguntum III.

redcoat668: Ms. Musante, I can assure you, on the life of the dog that regulations do not permit me to keep here, I am not planning ANY offensive action this month.

MUSANTE: Good. And next time you hold a staff meeting, Admiral, I’d better hear about it. (she leaves)

redcoat668: All right…donuts are gone, let’s get going.

the officers file out except for CARRIERE and KAER, who remain behind

redcoat668: Sometimes I actually envy Sheridan. Nothing to do but sit on Babylon 5, rake in the funds from commercial traffic, and complain about the government. No Nightwatch, no Executive Orders, and no effing Political Officers. Plus he did not-

CARRIERE: I know, I know…he did not sleep with that woman.

redcoat668: She was so much nicer before I did.