Turn 7 EA Retrospective: You Can’t Always Get What You Want

SCENE: The camera pans across a starfield lit by a beautiful purple nebula. A convoy of three freighters and a liner moves through space, with Starfuries accompanying. We hear the radio traffic of the convoy as the camera gradually focuses on a single ‘Fury with a point-down broadsword painted on top.

SHOT: Int. Cockpit and a PILOT

PILOT: So…I hear you and Jessica are quits.

2nd PILOT: (over radio) Yeah…we got the papers finalized Tuesday. She’s keeping the house, we’re splitting part time custody of the kids, and I got the dog.

The camera pulls back out and upward over the convoy.

PILOT: (over radio) Still…that’s something, right?

2nd PILOT: Not really…I hate that damn dog.

Several jump points open simultaneously, and two Takatas and many Brakiri fighters appear.

MUSIC OVER: Juno Reactor: Navras.

PILOT: Crap…two jump points and multiple targets. Brakiri ships, you have entered Earth Alliance space. Please state your –

The Brakiri fighters break into an attack run. One of the freighters is hit and begins spinning away from the convoy.

PILOT: All ships, all ships. Incoming Brakiri contacts are hostile. Break and attack. Break and attack.

The camera judders as if it’s been hit and then begins to spin lazily across the battlefield revealing the Earth and League ships engaged in a furious battle around the now burning convoy ships.

RADIO VOICE: (faintly) This is Earth Liner Weber to all Earth ships…we are under heavy attack…breaking up…in the name of God there are children on board…

The camera pulls back and we can see that the action is taking place on a conference room screen aboard Victoria Station. Admiral redcoat668 and his staff do not look happy. Also present are JULIE MUSANTE, Earth diplomat FREDERICK LANTZ, and a very sanguine looking BRAKIRI delegate.

redcoat668: (tapping his foot) Well?

BRAKIRI: Most tragic, Admiral. What a senseless waste.

redcoat668: Well at least you admit –

BRAKIRI: (cutting him off) All Brakiri marriages contain an embedded pre-nuptial agreement that is legally binding. That man would at least have gotten half the value of his house had he taken such precautions. 

redcoat668: Oh that’s IT!

LANTZ: (interrupting quickly) I have spoken at length to the ambassador, and he assures me that these were rogue fleet elements not acting on behalf of the Brakiri government or the League of Non-Aligned Worlds.

redcoat668: Rogue elements not bothering to remove their fleet markings or change their fleet encrypts.

BRAKIRI: That’s how they come off the showroom floor, Admiral. We’re not responsible for their use after the buyers sign the waivers.

He ostentatiously hands redcoat668 a stack of forms. LANTZ beams happily.

redcoat668: You’re like a race of evil used car salesmen, aren’t you.

MUSANTE kicks him.

LANTZ: In any case, this new treaty clearly defines our respective areas of influence in this sector, and should prevent any further incidents.

BRAKIRI: Excellent. Then I shall withdraw and inform my Emperor.

redcoat668: “Emperor”.

BRAKIRI: I’m sorry?

redcoat668: “Emperor”. You have to verbally add the quotation marks to evoke the level of respect he deserves.

BRAKIRI: Of course. Forgive me. (he leaves

LANTZ and MUSANTE are all smiles. redcoat668 and his staff confer.

CARRIERE: No offensive operations? After they killed all those people?

redcoat668: Nope. So we sit here. And wait for more ships. And take a window seat when those bastards and the Centauri start tearing each other to pieces after they finish with the Minbari and Narn.

CARRIERE: And then?

redcoat668: And then…someone has to pick up those pieces, don’t they? The question is simply when to start sweeping.

CARRIERE: Brilliant. Every race in the sector is at war and we’re the janitors.

KAER: You know you’ll never get authorization with Lantz here.

redcoat668: Point. Something’s got to be done about that guy.

YUN: There could be…an accident.

redcoat668: Something not obvious. Until then…I’ll just have to handle him with my trademark charm and tact.

YUN and CARRIERE exchange uneasy looks, but redcoat668 is already approaching LANTZ and MUSANTE.

redcoat668: (laying on the charm) You know, Mr. Lantz…I’ve been wondering since you arrived: are you related at all to Walter Lantz?

LANTZ: (surprised) Why…yes…in fact I am.

redcoat668 (genuinely equally surprised) Seriously? Woody Woodpecker Walter Lantz?

LANTZ: Actually, yes. You know I’m very surprised, Admiral. I don’t often run into people who know about that particular bit of 2oth Century historical arcana.

redcoat668 (with newfound reverence): Mr. Lantz…I insist that you have dinner with me.

SCENE: A restaurant aboard Victoria Station. redcoat668 and LANTZ are sitting at a table together with a large green neon sign reading BENNIGAN’S – OF EARTH behind them. redcoat668 is enthusiastically attacking a plate of wings while LANTZ picks gingerly at a salad. redcoat668 has clearly been talking at length, and LANTZ is not enjoying himself.

redcoat668: -and another thing…what about that poor walrus? He never could catch a break, could he?

LANTZ: (spearing a crouton) I suppose not.

redcoat668: You know…this is really enjoyable. Just think…we can have dinner together every night while you’re here and share our appreciation for your ancestor’s work!

LANTZ: Oh…well…you know, I actually have to leave for EarthDome tomorrow. Something…uh…suddenly came up.

redcoat668: But…but I thought you were staying here for at least a month after the treaty was ratified.

LANTZ: No…and I’m afraid my shuttle leaves early tomorrow and I must depart to pack. Thank you for dinner, Admiral. (he leaves as quickly as he can while still remaining dignified)

A WAITER approaches with a pitcher.

WAITER: Another drink, or just the check, sir?

redcoat668: (looking wistfully after LANTZ) Why is it that sometimes getting what you want is just as painful as not getting it?

WAITER: I don’t know, sir…I’m working to pay for a useless Art degree, not a useless Philosophy degree.

redcoat668: (holding out his glass) Top ‘er up, Caravaggio.

FADE OUT

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3 Responses to “Turn 7 EA Retrospective: You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

  1. LOL I can so see that happening!

  2. ya know, if a certain ship that Lantz is on just happens to be broadcasted to certain Narn elements…

  3. marccienkowski Says:

    The Lonaw are searching too. We thought the convoy destroyed at Brandenberg (Henders) had him aboard. It turned out just to be Minbari religious zealots who listened to their planetary govenor (school bus)Naaghan and stayed when the Minbari federation ordered them to evacuate.

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